it's may 22, 2022 and I have covid and I've started this website over the weekend. I don't see this as necessarily a radical act in and of itself but I hate the time we live in. Let me backtrack a minute. I was on a plane back from my school trip to Hawaii on Friday, and the flight attendant asked people to close their windowshades to better see the 'entertainment screens' that a few minutes prior one of my classmates asked if they actually displayed entertainment or were just there to feed ads to you for five hours. the thought. the audacity. moving forwards again - it's not that i want us all to melt our laptops but I want to be able to make htings. to better myself. I don't want anything I do to be a waste, nor a regret. I don't fancy myself some thought provoking Ifemelunamma nor a detailed recorder like Arietty, although one can hope—but I just want a corner that is mine, and to produce thoughts. I want to remember how to think. I'm not going to edit this—there's no point. It's just me. Mine. My thoughts. It's feeling really good to learn.
it's may 23, 2022 and I want to put art on this site or more accurately I WANT A SPACE WITH PRETTY thINGS TO LOOK AT and so I may try my hand at some physical media! it may not go well in ffact it may be terrible but hey at least I tried and maybe i'll figure out how to put a picture on here (hint I already know how that's lovely to feel)
it's may 23, 2022 and I am crushing my dreamsssss IMAGE CREATED IMAGE UPLOADED IMAGE RESIZE: next steps for my global conquest include
it's may 24, 2022 and I am sitting in therapy and I am being told to hate myself less which is funny because I don't really think I do hate myself. I'm being told to tell myself one thing I don't hate/like about myself each day. And I told her all the things in my head that I didn't like (well obviously not all of them but all of them about COVID and college etc) and she went 'wow' and said like yes she hears these kinds of things but this is pretty severe self-hatred and most people don't think of things like that and I was floored a bit. Just a little. A rug.
it's may 24, 2022 and I've realized that I'm a) unable to understand when someone tells me I'm hard on myself because I have no perspective for an alternative and b) whenever anyone hears that I"m hard on myself they hear the hardest version they assume that it's everpresent but most of the time it is an undercurrent and it is not always present like that in that form and when I articulate those forms I am a wee bit schocked myself. I've asked my mother if she could pinpoint a time in which she first noticed I became hard.(no i will not fix my word choice)
it's may 24, 2022 and I got rid of some pajama tank sets (pizza and blue stripes yk yk) because my thigh. I realized that my mother says I went from thin to normal but in my mind I went from fat to a bit big to fatter. Here's my new gratitude page click
it's may 24, 2022 and I've decided to re-read the edited Diary of Anne Frank and holy fuck I did not pick up on her talking about her lack of friends before but yeah man I relate. And. I don't know how to feel about that? Did she even want this published? I mean I publish this site but in my mind it's only for me. Sure, someone could see this but most likely wont. Maybe its like that. Maybe its silly of me to try and relate. We'll see. I want to find an unedited version. tata
it's may 25, 2022 and I am slowly beginning to process that there is no fall nor spring and the effects are here. continuing on the anne frank note - she also used her diary as a FRIEND, kitty. much like this.
it's may 25, 2022 and I am listening to Leon Rajninger's story of the holocaust over zoom.
it's may 25, 2022 and I am attempting to fix my metabolism by eating right and exercising more. this is hard as I have covid. it will be better after. i didn't mfp at all today
it's may 26, 2022 and I am negative for COVID and going to school tomorrow! my mother brought me a lot of ice cream and i only wanted a little and i ate a little and wasn't going to eat the rest but felt bad about wasting food and then ate it but feel less bad than i would have if that makes sense. we're working on it. not wanting it was good. hate high/low res content.
it's may 29, 2022 and I took the train and then walked a half hour to ODADA with my father and we took the bus back and I am very excited and proud.
it's may 30, 2022 and I have continued the SASHA TRANSPORT SAGA by driving to San Jose for a roofrack for the boat for the boat trip (very successfully) but on the way back I couldn't get on the freeway after a few tries so I parked and let Abba drive back because I was jittery.
it's june 4, 2022 and I am going to be a swimmy swimmy guy. I went swimming this morning with Abba and I'm going again tomorrow and it is very exciting for my abs. swimmy swimmy. I've realized I no longer have memories of natalie's nails but I do remember the ducks for my pacy and opening the pooh bath set in the saab. I keep thinking each time I see someone is the last time. the three familias have gone to drop gg off at kennolyn camp for the summer and i'm like well that's it lets plan the funeral and that is not normal i don't think?
it's june 9, 2022 and tomorrow is the final day of sophomore year and I feel nothing I am numb so numb and fatigued that I fear I shall perish in the night and that terror is so allconsuming that I can barely even begin to express it and so I tell no one because it is too complex and I cannot begin to hope that they would even believe my tale but oh this fear is so real i feel it in my bones I feel as though this is it and what do I do in my final moments? this is the question that's always asked, is it not? i hide. online. on my computer like always. no boat for me. no summer no friends no boy no nothing just dead sasha in her bed in the morning and that freaks me out. i still think everyone i know is going to die and that fear is so scary and i worry that the rabbit will perish under my hand and it's just really scary. help me
it's june 9, 2022 and hopefully tomorrow I will express this fear and if this is truly it and I truly die today as I beleive I may, I do not know what to say nor what to do the panic is so all-consuming and overwhelming but i begin a prayer: and if i die before i wake i pray the lord my tears to take for my souls rest sake b'ivrit
it's june 9, 2022 and truly awful to think that if this was my last moment I would not know and I spend it doing things I dislike and I am so crushed by that thought but I should be living every moment as if it were my last and not wait for anything so no I don't want to sleep but i'm just so tired and i'm so scared and i'm so scared i can't use worse words because my last moments need to be peaceful ones i hope
it's june 19, 2022 and I did survive that and in fact today I have returned from a road trip to washington state where my father and i stayed with hillel and we BUILT A WOODEN BOAT (passagemaker dinghy from chesapeake light craft) at the center for wooden boats on south lake union which was very cool and unique and my next quest project and now i have internship things coming up and i'm a bit conflicted and worried about burnout but fuck that i'm excited and going to buy some underwear and have my fun little life goodbye love also i don't want to go to therapy anymore but i do want the option to go when i need it...hmm
it's november 28, 2022 and I am still allergic to oysters.